WHICH IS BETTER?….

1: Carrots or Libraries?

2: Edinburgh or Pickle-Forks?

3: Polystyrene or Thursday?

4: Houmous or Post-Modernism?

5: Magnolia or Sheep?

6: Velcro or the Indian Ocean?

7: Helicopters or Riboflavin?

8: Baked Beans or the Romans?

9: Osmosis or Jeans?

10: Eggcups or Robbie Williams?

11: Sandalwood-flavoured incense sticks or Dad’s Army?

12: 1967 or Zanzibar?

13: Tectonic Plates or Milk?

14: Pencils or Tennis?

15: Wholemeal or Monopoly?

16: Tai Chi or Marrowbone Jelly?

17: Radio 4 or the Eiffel Tower?

18: Isosceles Triangles or the Danish Royal Family?

19: Adjectives or February?

20: The Moon? or 39?

And Finally…

21: Why?

(Please continue overleaf if necessary)

2: Wrong answer. What are you REALLY?

3: How and when will you DIE?

4: Are you or have you ever been a GOOD PERSON?

5: Do you HONESTLY believe that you’ve done worthwhile things?

6: Sure. Whatever

7: Is the universe infinite? Give reasons for your answer.

8: Is all matter an illusion created on some spiritual plane,
or is spirituality merely a complex of electrical impulses?
Please show your working.

9: Have you ever been in love?

10: No I mean REALLY in love. Like… crying all night and smashing
your head against doors to try and get rid of the feelings.

11: Really? You sad fucker.

12: Which religion is correct? (Please tick)

~ Christianity [ ]

~ Islam [ ]

13: What would you do if you were a paedophile?

14: What would you do if you were a child being raped
by a paedophile who is also you?

15: That answer is not interesting enough. Try again.

16: Which race is correct? (Please tick)

~ White [ ]

~ Black [ ]

17: Is there such a thing as evil?

18: Are YOU evil?

19: Surely that’s just a result of self-righteous paranoia.

20: Well who are you to say that?

21: Lies! All damned lies! You are a charlatan and you’re going to Hell!
You’re in deep deluded denial and you are repugnant. Repugnant I say!

22: OK let’s both just calm down.

23: I know, but it’s just… bah. My head’s in a bad place right now.

24: Not that it’s any of your business come to think of it.

25: Yeah stop talking now.

2. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
Letsee… stuck in a LIFT with an enitity who, despite remaining anonymous, wants to know everything about people they will never meet. I’m guessing you’re also the kind of person who would deliberately jam the lift just to find out. So I would call the police on your cyber-stalking punkass.

3. What talent do you wish you had?
The ability to open up to strangers. No, wait… they taught me not to do that in INFANT SCHOOL

4. Favorite place?
Anywhere but in a lift with your cyberstalking punkass

5. Favorite vegetable?
VEGETABLE? Are you looking for a window into my soul? Sorry I don’t divulge information as deeply personal as my favourite VEGETABLE. You really are a fucknut, whoever you are

6. What was the last book you read?
“Chain letters- Why they are completely Gay” by U.R. Alsogay

7. What zodiac sign are u ?
Omnicles the phlegmatic rabbit

8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
yes there seems to be something written on my thigh… it says “Never reply to chain letters, they are the bilious death-rattling dronings of the deluded and desperately insecure.” And another that says “John G raped and murdered my wife.” Is that you, sport? Are you John G?

9. Worst Habit?
Not answering the online door to online hoboes who say “I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows you. Wanna chat?”

HERE COMES THE FUN … … …YAY!!!!!!
I can’t wait.

1. Do we know each other outside of myspace?
Oh boy! WHAT FUN!!! This is just… I mean WOW.

2. What’s your philosophy on life?
Well, for one thing, my idea of FUN is a bit more spiritually visceral than answering questions about myspace. So… my outlook on life might be lost on you, chief.

3. Negative or Optimistic?
Optimistic about good things. Negative about bad things. How bout that?

4. What was your dream growing up?
I had several. In one, I was trying to order a pot noodle delivery while trapped in a rural cottage with harold bishop and a disembodied rubber hand that ate wallpaper and was controlled by the spirit of jeremy beadle. Do you feel closer to me now?

5. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Insatiable attention-junkies like you.

7. Tell me one weird fact about you:
I’m God.
But I worship Satan.

9. Do you Trust me?
Sure, buddy. When strangers come into my space and whip my friends up into yet another self-centred, superficial frenzy, I think to myself “What a THOUGHTFUL DUDE!”

10. Do u know how to do the macerana?
Oh you’re probing me now. You’re seriously probing me. You’re tapping deeply into my darkest thoughts aren’t you?

11. What time is it where u are now?
Fuckoff o’clock

12. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
When they beat each other they’re cute. When they rape and kill your parents they’re kinda scary. Is this what we’re doing now? Gathering opinions that are as inconsequential as possible? I mean SERIOUSLY what’s next? “Mediocrity - good or bad?”

13. Would u dance to a britney spears song???
OK I get it. You’re in market research, right? Or ADVERTISING! If I find out you’re working for Spears then I’ll find you, sunshine. I’ll find you and I’ll remove one organ of my choice from you, using an instrument of my choice.

14. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
If you’re in Advertising then neither. Because you are a crime SYNDICATE with NO conscience. You are tainted, you are contagious and you are deeply painful to the senses.

15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
I wouldn’t piss in your ear if your brains were on fire you slag.

6. How do you fall asleep?
LOL! How do I sleep? That’s rich, kiddo, real rich. How do YOU sleep at night, you smug son of a bitch?! Probably upside-down, wrapped in mucus, suckling at the teet of a swollen whale carcass underground. Fuck you.

17. Do u eat broccoli??
Back on vegetables are we? Sorry, if I revisit my broccoli-based past, I may open some kind of floodgate. Yep, got a lot of anger about broccoli here. YOU REALLY ARE a CUNT.

18. Would you eat green eggs and ham??
Holy shit, you’re American aren’t you? You’re a goddamn soul-sucking, money-fucking YANK aren’t you? Your country is sick. Your policies are sick. Your beer is sick. I could go on…

19. If you only had one day to live how would u spend it?
Nuke the USA. But I’d be sure to drop the bombs in uninhabited areas to ensure that you all perish not instantly, but of a slow, debilitating radiation poisoning. This way, in your last feeble breaths you will in some way understand what you have done to the dignity of the human race.

20. A million bucks.. what would you do with it?
Get it changed into pounds sterling, fucktard. Do your research.

21. What is your worst fear?
Vegetables. Yeah, why not. Vegetables are obviously of the upmost importance. They are the linchpin of this whole operation.

22. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Swallow people’s bullshit and projectile-vomit it back in their faces.

23. How many times did you curse at me while filling out this?
I didn’t just curse you, friend. I put a curse ON you. Seriously. You will die of cancer and so will several members of your family, I promise you.

24. Are you a member of FriendWise.com or plan to be?
Oh my GOD! Is that what this is? You’re from some hickass poor-man’s-myspace ripoff? And you think people will read this crap, fill it out and actually say to themselves “Wow, the folks at FriendWise.com sure are insightful! I think I’ll sign up with them AS WELL as myspace, that makes perfect sense!” Words cannot express the disdain I feel for you.

25. Can you sing or dance?
I’ll sing at your funeral and dance on your dead face you fucking parasite.

26. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
BOLLOCKS

27. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
Letsee here…
PEOPLE. I URGE YOU NOT TO FORWARD THIS, OR ANY CHAIN LETTER, TO ANYONE AT ALL. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THINGS ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS, I SUGGEST YOU ENGAGE THEM IN WHAT I LIKE TO CALL A “CONVERSATION.” IT’S GREAT, YOU CAN LIKE, MAKE UP YOUR OWN QUESTIONS AND EVERYTHING. YOU CAN, Y’KNOW, BOUNCE THINGS OFF OF EACH OTHER, GET A TWO WAY SORT OF THING GOING ON.
WHAT I WILL ASK YOU TO DO, HOWEVER, IS TO TAKE ANY QUESTIONNAIRE YOU RECEIVE, SULLY IT WITH ALL MANNER OF ABUSE AND SEND IT BACK TO WHOEVER SENT IT TO YOU. WITH THIS, IT IS MY HOPE THAT ALL CHAIN LETTERS WILL EVENTUALLY FIND THEIR WAY BACK TO THE INFERNAL MOUNTAIN OF CUNT FROM WHENCE THEY CAME. DO THIS AND YOUR WORLD (AND EVERYONE’S WORLD) GENUINELY WILL BECOME HAPPIER. WE ARE NOT LAB RATS. WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS.